Dealing With Parent Anxiety While Sleep Training
Thinking about sleep training?
Hi! So, seems like your starting to think about doing some sleep training for your little one! Maybe you've read around, skimmed some blog posts, and watched some videos. Maybe you've chatted with a few friends whos little ones are older than yours. Hopefully, you haven't heard any horror stories from other parents (either online or via the internet) that so and so's baby cried for 6 hours before falling asleep. Therefore, you're on the fence about the whole “Teaching your baby to sleep,” thing.
On the one hand, you know that sleep is more than essential for everyone in your family. You’ve read all the books and have come to agree with all the research showing that sleep is vital to your baby’s development and well-being. No you are 100 percent positive that your little one needs some help learning how to fall asleep independently, and you have made the decision to jump right in and do it.
But on the other hand, you're super nervous and have some anxiety about it.
Almost every parent I have worked with has started off extremely nervous about what was to come. They know there’s a issue that needs changing and they are committed to the solution. But even with all of the research and evidence that this is a safe, effective process, it is still very nerve-racking not knowing how it will go.
Because there’s a big difference. There are all the babies, and then there’s your baby. Your precious baby that you know and love better than anyone else in the world does. And when it comes to your baby, the research and evidence can’t change your concern that you might be doing something wrong. Especially if your baby doesn’t seem to hop on board to the new way of doing things immediately.
Why does that happen? Is it maternal instinct kicking in? Are you subconsciously aware of a threat to your baby? Is mother nature trying to tell you this may not be a good idea?
Most likely not, but it gets complicated.
So lets think about it.
First of all, you’re probably running on fumes at this point when it comes to your own sleep. If your baby is not sleeping, I'm sure that you’re not sleeping either. That can wreak havoc on your emotional well-being. Sleep deprivation stimulates activity in the amygdala, which is a part of the brain that controls several of your immediate emotional reactions. According to a 2007 joint study between Harvard Medical School and U of C Berkeley, “...a lack of sleep inappropriately modulates the human emotional brain response to negative aversive stimuli.”
To make it easy, that means you’re likely to overreact when things go bad. So when your baby starts to cry, you’re first thought will be “I’m a complete failure as a mother/parent/father.”
This is what happens after one night of sleep deprivation. Can you imagine what chronic lack of sleep over the course of weeks, or even months, can lead to? You may even be experiencing it right now! It leaves you feeling helpless, inadequate, and filled with anxiety.
Another major reason that this process can be so difficult, and the real elephant in the room when it comes to this whole process. - Crying.
Will your child cry when you’re teaching them this skill? Yes. And anyone who tells you that they can help your child learn a new skill without crying is lying. Think of it this way. They have fallen asleep the exact same way for the 4/7/24 months they have been alive. Then one random (to them) day, the routine changes and you have new expectations of them. And the only way they can communicate that they are confused or frustrated is by crying. But no matter what, you’re still going to feel your heart explode when you hear your baby crying.
But looking at this objectively, we can see that there’s an actual reason why the sound of a crying baby causes us such distress. Dr. David Poeppel, Professor Of Psychology & Neural Science at NYU, found that a crying baby differs from other environmental noises in something called the “amplitude modulation rate,” meaning how often the loudness of a sound changes. Crying babies, along with car alarms and police sirens, have a modulation rate of about 100 times per second. Compared to a regular speaking voice, which hovers somewhere between 4 or 5.
Something I tell my clients to keep in mind as we begin the program is to remember what you baby really is saying over putting our own emotions on them. Their cries are letting us know they are confused. They're lost in the new routine and expectations, not that they are mad or you are a bad parent.
Keeping this in mind will help us acknowledge and appreciate why we are feeling those feelings, but not prevent us from being able to reach our goals of the entire family getting really great sleep.
If you are ever looking for support with sleep training to make those changes, first grab my affirmation cards to keep yourself motivated and feeling supported. Looking for more guidance through the entire journey? You can find more information here! You'll receive a step-by-step plan and check-ins to ensure things are going well.